Just another day

Today's my birthday and it just seems like another day in another week in another year. I've had so many "endings" and am facing another one now. I left my husband in March this year . . . for many reasons. I also have to say that he is a good man with a huge heart! We met, in October of 1988. He had been married before and had two beautiful little girls, ages 8 and 5. I had been married before and had one beautiful daughter, age 7.

We both were Christians, attended the same church and I had known his family (well, at least, I thought I knew his family!) for several years. I knew that he would be a good husband and a good father to my daughter. I also knew that he had custody of his daughters and that we would all become a "blended" family together.

The wedding was exactly as it should have been on February 14, 1989. We included our girls in the ceremony and they were the only ones to stand up with us as we took our vows. We wanted them to be a part of the "marriage" so they would understand what it meant to love each other and vow to spend the rest of our lives - all five of us - as one family!

Never did I imagine how difficult it would be to "blend" our families! We went into counseling immediately to help the girls with the adjustment. Maybe it helped, but it didn't cure all! For the first four years, it was very difficult. His oldest daughter didn't accept me, even though the younger daughter and I instantly had a closeness. My daughter didn't accept him or my new "instant" daughters.

His ex-wife was still a part of the girl's lives and I never wanted them to think that I was trying to replace her - but, I wanted them to know that I cared about them, too. When our oldest was 13, she decided to move from our home to her mother's and that was really tough! There were many tears shed when she left, but we knew that was her decision and only wanted her happiness.

His family never accepted me as a mother to his children. That proved to be another huge contributing factor to the death of our marriage. I felt like I would never be good enough in their eyes and felt like they were against every decision we made for his girls and we were not supported at all by them. When our oldest moved to her mother's, his family would bring her up here, without a word to us, and not allow her to visit our home while she was here. Another blow because I knew then that they still supported the girl's mother more than they did me as his wife.

When I left earlier this year, our marriage had reached the lowest depths I could imagine and really didn't know what to do anymore. We no longer talked to each other. We had not, in all the years of our marriage, been able to resolve issues that plaqued us. The communication was never there and resentment had taken it's place.

We also, for whatever reason, never gave our marriage to God - big mistake! Without God at the head, how can anything grow and become great? I always loved my husband, but because of baggage I carried into the marriage from my past relationships, I was never able to give myself as I wanted to. In that way, I hurt him terribly and live with that knowledge every day. When I left, I told him things that I wished I could have taken back, but words spoken can never be erased!

I've learned a lot in this year and believe that God has used this "season" of my life to teach me - to show me what brought me to this point. I have been in therapy most of this year which has helped me identify the things in my life that caused me to build up walls that no one could ever get through. In learning what caused the issues, I have also learned that through God, I can lay down the hurts, the pain and the "baggage" that haunts me. My counselor and my psychiatrist were also Christians, which was what I wanted. I know God and trust that He will guide me, but for whatever reason, I had been unable to let go of the trauma I've had in my past and give it to my Heavenly Father!

I am well on my way in my recovery and am, most of the time, content with my life. Am I lonely? Sure. Do I miss what was my family? Of course. Do I wish that I had never left? No. I wish that we could have worked together to make things better, but the way things were, neither of us was happy.

Not only did I have the pleasure of gaining two more daughters when we married, but we also had a son together. He is now almost 19 years old. My husband gave me some of the greatest blessings I've had in my life and for that I am grateful.

Even though my marriage is officially ending, I have to look forward and listen for God to lead me to my new beginnings. Thank God for His faithfulness, mercy, grace and forgiveness.

In His Love and Blessings
annb

My Week - So Far!

Okay, so this is Wednesday and so far I've hit a few "bumps" in the road. You might have noticed my last post about Sunday which seemed to have started the week out a little shaky. Well, Monday was no better.

I had a sore finger which started on Thursday last week. I had been working in the garage that day and thought I probably just got a splinter. It just kept getting more and more sore and by Monday evening the pain was really bad. It didn't feel like any splinter I had ever had before. The pain was so intense, I could not even sleep! A finger!

Michael went at 10:30 on Monday evening to the pharmacy and got some ointment to put on it hoping to help, but it really didn't help. It was swelling and the pain was steadily increasing. I then began to think that it might be a spider bite - since I had been working in the garage. I started soaking it in warm salt water and keeping antibiotic ointment on it.

Tuesday the pain was no better, but I just continued my "self-medicating" hoping that it would help. By Tuesday evening, it had begun "streaking" - redness from my finger was also moving in a line up just past my wrist. That's when I became more concerned. I have a heart condition and have to take antibiotics - before dental procedures-including cleanings, surgeries or anything that causes bleeding - to avoid infection to my heart.

I called the doctor and Elizabeth took me to the emergency room. The doctor decided to x-ray my finger to see if there was a foreign body causing the infection. There was no foreign body. He said it was some kind of infection and decided to "open" it to get a culture and hopefully drain some of the infection from it. Well, of course to open it - he needed to numb it. With a needle. Smack dab in the middle of the swelling.

Oh, my goodness! When he put the needle in - they heard me down at the nurses station! It was so incredibly painful! It did drain. He did get enough to sample for the culture and of course, it was still numb! Feeling pretty good now!

He said it would take about three days to find out the type of infection that grew from the culture, but he gave me a prescription to start on antibiotics and a prescription for pain medication. Still numb - still feeling good!

He told me that if it was still swollen and red by tomorrow (Thursday), I needed to come back in and a surgeon would have to look at it. The infection could be deeper than what he could handle in the ER. Great! That was a little scary - but okay.

Before we made it out of the ER and into the car, the numbness had worn off. The pain was now intensified as a result of the work on my finger and it was even worse than when I first arrived! I was crying before we made it to the pharmacy and then home! First thing I did when we got home was to take both the meds he prescribed. Once the pain medicine was working again, my pain decreased and I was able to relax a bit.

Today the streaking is gone, but my finger is still very swollen and sore. I have had to take pain medication again today.

I'm praying that it will show marked improvement by tomorrow so I don't have to meet the surgeon. I'm sure he's a great doctor and a nice man, but I really have no desire to meet him in this capacity!

You can see from the pictures what was causing the pain and you can also see the treatment. Oh yeah, the finger beside the swollen one - the one with the big white patch on my nail? A few months ago I was closing the garage door (two car garage size) and got two of my fingers between the panels as it closed! I was alone and had to actually open the door up again before I could get my fingers out! I don't know for sure, but am beginning to wonder if should avoid the garage!

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Did you ever?

Did you ever have one of those days when you wanted to share some news with someone you care about, but were stopped by something they said? Well, I had one of those days yesterday!

I have a job interview in the morning - praying that it will lead to a job!

In His Love and Blessings
annb

"Not me!" Monday

I have tried a few Monday memes, but none that looked like as much fun - and as therapeutic - as this one! This is my first time posting a "Not me!" Monday - so here goes!

Tuesday, I did not go with Elizabeth and Addy to their clogging class on the final night before they move on to the next level. If I had gone to the class, I would have experienced - first hand - the "chicken dance"! Now, of course, those of you who know me also know that I sometimes am uncomfortable in crowds and would never, ever get up and participate in group activities with people that I don't know. So, it's probably good that I didn't go to the class and do the chicken dance, for the first time in my life, with a group of people - mostly strangers to me!

Since my move, much of my stuff is still packed away in boxes. I did not get a lot of things unpacked and therefore, I have not been able to make up my bed with all the "frills" - crocheted comforter and throw pillows (16 pillows to be exact). I did not, after making up my bed, think that it looked so pretty it would be a shame to sleep on it. I did not pull out the rollaway and sleep on it rather than "mess up" the beautiful bed! Nope, I surely did not do that - that would be ridiculous!

I have also not been unemployed since the middle of July this year. Nor have I recently signed on with a Personnel Agency, praying that they will be able to place me soon. So, of course, I did not this past week consider taking them donuts and coffee each morning as incentive to place me . . . before placing others who may have been with them much longer. That would certainly not be kind or loving so of course, I did not consider doing anything of the kind!

Friday, in my usual check-in call to the Agency, I did not find out that they have actually placed me at the top of their "call list" for opportunities within my skill level. God is awesome and He does answer prayers!

Won't you consider playing along this week? Write you own post, link back to MckMama's blog, sign up on Mr. Linky, and read everyone else's posts. And see here for more detailed directions.

In the words of MckMama, "It's great therapy and a heckofa good time."

In His Love and Blessings
annb

My Choice is Submission - to God

Yesterday, at Church, I attended the Women's Fellowship class where I had visited a couple of months ago. It's a great class and everyone is so welcoming! I think when I attended the first time, I just wasn't ready for the fellowship, but now I welcome it!

We focused our study on Philippians 3:13 - 14:1 and I'm sure that God led me to this class on this day. I certainly needed the lesson and several scriptures really spoke to me.

This year - from the very beginning has been a "season" for me that I did not ask for, nor would I wish it upon anyone. I know that God has used this season of my life for a purpose and for that, I'm thankful! I have learned so much about myself from God working through others He put into my life, prayer and study! and the lessons have given me a deeper understanding of God's love, His forgiveness, His grace and His mercy!

I have struggled with past hurts, relationships and living in the present. Yesterday's lesson was a lesson for me!

Philippians 3:13 says, "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead."

That definitely hit home! I have carried the pain of past experiences with me for a very long time. I forgave, but couldn't forget. I know that carrying that pain in my heart has caused a lot of anguish that I never released. I release it now and know that God will give me comfort and peace and the help I need to move forward, by choice, each moment!

Philippians 3:16 - "let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind."

One of the women in class commented on this verse by saying that without knowing, really knowing each other - we can not be of the same mind. That gave me such clarity and direction because I have, especially this year, avoided relationships. Because I carried the hurt from the past, I have been afraid to put myself out there to others for fear that I would be hurt once again! How I have cheated myself . . . and others of the gift of friendship!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear,

but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

I matter to God and how will I know if I matter to others if I'm not willing to be a friend?

It is my choice to submit myself to the will of God and as someone in class put it, "it is a moment by moment choice".

I am choosing at this moment to submit myself to the will of God. It is my choice to serve an awesome God!

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Saturday 9

So Far Away
Here is today's meme! Saturday 9: So Far Away

1. Where is the furthest place that you have traveled and how far away from home is it?
The farthest I've ever traveled is to Orlando, FL. I graduated from High School in a very small town in a class of 21 students. We took a senior trip (after working Jr and Sr to pay for it) to Orlando, FL; New Orleans, Nashville, Atlanta, GA. It was a lot of fun! I don't know how far it was - the trip lasted about two weeks!

2. What is a blog that you would recommend for us to read and why?
I would highly recommend the blog of Brent Riggs, a Godly man who is an awesome writer. He writes about his family and what they are going through now with their three year old daughter who has leukemia. He writes about finances, getting out of debt - but mostly he writes about God and Godly principles.

3. What is the biggest surprise you ever have had and was it a good one?
The biggest surprise I ever had was when my daughter was born. The entire pregnancy I believed I was carrying a boy. I had only picked out a boy's name, only bought boy's clothes and took boy's clothes to the hospital to bring my baby home. I named my daughter only after she was born and I was able to look into her beautiful little face. My Dad (along with my mom) went shopping for clothes to bring her home in and he actually picked out two outfits for her (which was very unusual for him - never liked shopping!) It was an awesome surprise and she and I share a great relationship even today (she is now 27).

4. What is your favorite quote? (We know we've asked this recently. But there is always another great quote! :)
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me" Psalm 138:8. It is a huge comfort for me to know that God is in control and He will work in all the details of my life, no matter how small or insignificant they seem to me. I matter to Him - and I am so thankful!

5. Have you ever been hospitalized for a major health situation?
I have been hospitalized several times in my life beginning at the age of 11. I had eight surgeries to remove tumors, I had three surgeries for "female" issues, as well as the removal of my so-called "disposable" organs.

6. Do you prefer long hair or short hair for yourself?
I love long hair because there are so many options in styling. My Mom always said a woman should cut her hair by the time she's 25, but that just didn't work for me. I have had my hair short, but prefer long.

7. What was your favorite amusement park ride growing up?
I had two favorites - roller coasters and the tilt-a-whirl. As I got older, the tilt-a-whirl made me sick (all that round and round stuff) and once I developed a heart issue I'm afraid to ride roller coasters!

8. How long do you talk on your phone on a typical day?
I strongly dislike talking on the phone and spend as little time as possible!

9. Other than Saturday 9, what is your favorite meme to do each week?
I like photo memes because I love sharing pictures and seeing pics of other bloggers. I'm not very good at keeping up with memes though.

"Just A Silly Meme on a Saturday!" Visit Crazy Sam to participate or to read the answers of other participants.


In His Love and Blessings
annb

I am a "Grace"

I found this over at Fox Family 5 and thought it would be fun! I certainly fits me pretty well. I've included the meaning of the name Ann - "The girl's name Ann \a-nn\ is pronounced an. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "favored grace".

I am a Grace!

You are a Grace -- "I need to understand the world."

Graces have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Be independent, not clingy


• * Speak in a straightforward and brief manner


• * I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts


• * Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable


• * Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity


• * If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place


• * don't come on like a bulldozer


• * Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy

What I Like About Being a Grace
* standing back and viewing life objectively
* coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
* my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
* not being caught up in material possessions and status
* being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Grace

• * being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world


• * feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all


• * being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be


• * watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Graces as Children Often

• * spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on


• * have a few special friends rather than many


• * are very bright and curious and do well in school


• * have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers


• * watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information


• * assume a poker face in order not to look afraid


• * are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict


• * feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Graces as Parents

• * are often kind, perceptive, and devoted


• * are sometimes authoritarian and demanding


• * may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate


• * may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy