It's A Wonderful Life!

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens Psalm 68:19

Today has been quiet – no crying at all! Mom slept all day and I was afraid she might not be able to sleep tonight, but I just got her into bed and she still seems pretty sleepy. She lies on the couch in the living room during the day because she wants to be in the same room that I am in during the daytime. Tonight when I asked her if she was ready to go to bed, she said she was and I got her medicine and went to help her up from the couch. When she lay down earlier, I had taken her house shoes off and set them on the floor beside the couch – where they would be easy to find later. I kept looking for the shoes, around the couch, under the couch and finally I said out loud, “well, I wonder where your shoes are?” She laughed a little and raised her pillow up and there they were! She had picked them up off the floor and put them underneath her pillow! I’m still not sure why – there probably is no logical reason, but I thought it was really funny! I’m glad when I laughed, she laughed too. Thankfully, she just fits herself into whatever situation is present at the moment and doesn't feel like she's being laughed at.
Yesterday, Candace (our youngest daughter) and her boys came over for a while and when they got ready to go home, I went outside to give hugs and kisses. I don’t stay out long, because Mother gets upset if I’m out of the room for long. When I came back in, she as crying. She said she was glad my family comes to see me, but she wishes she could see her family, too. Jimmy and Ethan (my youngest brother and his son) had just been down that morning, but she doesn’t remember for long when anyone comes to visit.
She asked me to call her Mom, but I told her I had Aunt Nelda’s (Mom’s sister) number and would she like for me to call her. She did and I called, but there was no answer. Aunt Nelda is always so gracious when I call her, even though Mom is usually upset and crying when she talks to her. Aunt Nelda called back in a little bit and I told her that Mom was having a hard time and just wanted to talk to her. Instead of talking to her on the phone, Aunt Nelda came out to the house and sat with her for a while.
It’s especially difficult for me, emotionally, when someone comes to see Mother. She is not able to carry on even a simple conversation anymore. She tries, but she can’t remember names of the people she’s talking about – or the name of the person she’s talking to, a lot of the time. She goes off on some wild story that makes no sense to anyone except to her, I guess. I walked Aunt Nelda out when she left, and the tears started to come then. She’s so sweet and I’m glad that she makes herself available to Mother and that she loves her so much. She hugged me and reminded me that even though it is difficult to see her this way, at least I still can hear her voice and I can still touch her and love her for a while longer.

I started this blog entry last night 10/27, but got knocked off-line and couldn’t finish it then. I am starting again this evening after a busy day!
Mom woke up about 1:45 am and I helped her to the bathroom and got her back in bed when she started crying. She was asking me the usual questions about her family – which family members are still alive and which ones are gone. I sat up with her for about an hour until she could calm down and go back to sleep. These are the times that are difficult – when she’s so sad.
Today was Addyson’s birthday party at their house in Norman. I baked her birthday cake yesterday and then got up this morning to decorate it. It turned out pretty good. When I was in high school, Mother and I took a cake decorating class together, but I had not tried to decorate a cake in a very long time. It was fun making her cake for today. Addy, like most little girls, loves Barbie dolls, so I made her a doll cake. When Elizabeth was little, she stayed with the same babysitter from the time she was four months old until she started school. Her babysitter was great and was like a second Mom to Elizabeth. Verna, the babysitter, decorated cakes and made all of the kids’ birthday cakes to send home with them for their birthday. She made Elizabeth a doll cake on her fourth birthday and I thought it would be fun for Addy to have one, also.




Candace had to work and asked me to take Levi and Joey with me to the party. Toni had to work also and had asked me to take Blake, too. I got an email from her this morning saying Blake had gone to the lake with Jeff, so I wouldn’t need to take him to the party. I am sorry he wasn’t able to go, but I think it’s nice that he spends time with Jeff. Jeannie came about 12:30 to sit with Mom so that we could go on down to Elizabeth’s because Jeannie had plans for the evening, so I had to be back in time for her to go to her function. Since we got there early, the kids were able to play together for a while before the party started.





The party was nice and Addy had a great time. She loved her cake, loved her gifts and loved all the attention lavished on her for her special day! I collect "I Love Lucy" dolls and Addy loves them and likes to look at all of them when she comes over. I don’t take them out of the box since they’re my collectibles, so I bought one of the dolls on ebay and gave it to her for her birthday.



She really liked it!

When I got home, Jeannie said Mom had a pretty good day – no crying or anxiety attacks. Well, I guess Mom saved it all up for me because shortly after Jeannie left, it started! She was confused and crying, wanting to go home. She thought I was her Aunt Flora and could not be convinced otherwise. She wanted a grocery sack to pack up some of her things so she could go home. This is happening more all the time – her believing that she lives with her Daddy and Mom and wanting to be either picked up by someone in her family or have one of us take her home.
I’m thankful she’s not able to walk very well anymore because I think she might try to walk “home”. She’s not able to walk or even stand without her walker, so I don’t have to worry about her wandering off.
She cried and carried on for about two hours – at times pretty vocal about her feelings regarding the fact that she could not go home and had to stay here! She finally calmed down and went to bed about 8:30. Since she didn’t sleep much today she should sleep well tonight.
My son-in-law, Michael, called last night to tell me I needed to update my blog. He said he needed one to read and catch up on Granny’s news. I told him I was working on the blog when he called! Michael is a great guy and I’m thankful he is in Elizabeth’s and Addy’s life. They make a great team.
The girls have all made good choices in the husbands they have – all good men! Their husbands’ work hard at their jobs, help out around the house (willingly), watch the kids by themselves when they’re needed and are just all around good men! I’m proud to call each one my son-in-law and my daughters’ husbands!
I am richly blessed and thank God for my wonderful life!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28,29

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18

DEMENTIA -

"Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ? Who is like you— majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders? Exodus 15:11

DEMENTIA

Debilitating
Degenerating
Dehumanizing
Demeaning
Delusional
Dependent
Deteriorating

Dementia is a horrible word, as I’ve come to know it! There is absolutely nothing good about it! I keep searching for a cause – through internet searches, conversations with Mom’s nurse, Christy , articles about it. Somewhere in my mind I keep thinking, “If we could just figure out what caused it, maybe we can fix it.” There is no fix! It continues to take over our lives, leaving behind frustration, anger and grief.
Today was a rough day! There was not one time this entire day when Mother made sense about anything! She was frightened and upset most of the day – believing that there were people outside that were going to hurt us or hurt “the kids”. I have no idea who “the kids” are she was talking about, but she was convinced they would be hurt. I had to “send out” messages to pacify her. Jody and I both would have to go outside and look around for her so that we could tell her there was no one outside! She was awake the entire day, which is unusual for her. I had her lie down this afternoon, hoping she would be able to rest, but she could not go to sleep. She kept “seeing” people coming into the house and when I would ask her what was wrong, she would whisper – afraid those people would hear her talking. Several times, she cried and was extremely upset and fearful.
When Jeannie was here yesterday, she told me that she and Bob would bring communion for us today and I invited them to eat lunch with us. I told Mom they would be coming for lunch and before they arrived, she got very upset and was crying because she was worried that the men outside were going to hurt Jeannie and she wouldn’t be able to get here. She was still crying when they got here, but we finally convinced Mom that Jeannie was okay.

What other nation is so great

as to have their gods near them

the way the LORD our God

is near us whenever we pray to him?

Deuteronomy 4:7

We’ve been dealing with the confusion now for several months, but this is the first time that she has had hallucinations. I plan to talk to Christy about it this week when she comes on Thursday. If Mom has another day like today, I will call and talk to Christy before Thursday. I’m not sure that we can do anything except more medication and I’m not sure I want to do that. I guess unless it becomes totally unmanageable, we will try to keep things the way they are now.
It’s hard to even have the television on when Mom’s in the room because whatever is happening on TV becomes her reality. She reacts to it as if she is actually present in the situation or that she is looking through a window seeing what’s happening. It’s just so bizarre! I worked in a nursing home for a few years during high school and, of course, cared for people who had dementia – but never so closely, nor was it someone close to me. I was very young and didn’t really understand, or even think about how difficult it must be on family. I guess, as it’s been said, you have to walk in the shoes before you know how it feels!
I got Mom to bed about 7:30 tonight and hopefully she will be able to sleep tonight. Since she was awake all day, I think she will – but you never know!
I ask the Lord, daily, for strength to get me through, and to guide me as I care for Mother that I can care for her with love and kindness. I ask Him to help Mother feel his loving touch upon her and know that she is not alone!

Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:8

Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

Confusion without Anxiety - a good thing!

If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
I Peter 4:11

Mom has been tired and sleeping throughout most of the day. Jeannie came and sat with her for about five hours this afternoon so that I could get some errands run in town. She said Mom slept most of that time, too. She hasn’t had much appetite today, either. She had her usual breakfast – oatmeal and stewed prunes – but other than that has not been hungry. I fixed her a shake tonight because she didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want her to go to bed with an empty stomach.
I got her to bed, tucked her in, told her I loved her and kissed her good night. She told me good night and then said, “I love you, you’ve always been my favorite aunt!” I guess I will never get used to the many faces I wear for her. Most of the time I have no idea who I am anymore – as far as she is concerned. This disease is completely taking my Mother away from me and it’s difficult to experience.
The comfort that I have is in knowing that God hears and answers the many prayers for Mother to have comfort and peace. The confusion continues to take over more and more, but the anxiety over the confusion becomes less. She doesn’t realize a lot of the time that she is confused. The things she says and the things she sees are a reality to her.

Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God (22) and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. (23) And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. (24) Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us. I John 3:21-24

I’ve been working on scheduling a photographer for our family picture this year. We haven’t had one in two years. I think I’ve found the photographer I’d like to use, but I still have to decide on a location.
It’s hard to get all of our schedules figured out so that we are able to meet at the same time for a picture. I’ve heard back from all the kids except Toni. I hope that she and Jeff will be able to meet with us to have the picture done. It won’t really be a family group picture without them! I’d like to have the pictures back in time to send them out in Christmas cards, so we’ve got to get them done pretty soon.
Speaking of Christmas, I’m quite proud of myself this year! I actually have the couples’ gifts bought for Jeff and Toni, Michael and Elizabeth and Nick and Candace. I also have the gifts bought for all of the grandkids and I’ve even bought one for Jody! Chance is getting harder to buy for, but this year he said he wants DVDs. He gave me a list of about 20 DVDs he’d like to have. That makes it easy to get him what he wants. I’m sure we’ll also get him something else so that he’ll be surprised!
I’m glad to be almost finished. Most years, I’m out there fighting the crowds in December. I really don’t like crowds, so you’d think that I would do about anything to avoid getting stuck having to shop in December with the rest of the shoppers. I’ve outdone myself this year and hopefully I will be able to finish next month and completely avoid the holiday masses.
Mother will be easy this year, too. She is going to need warm gowns and robes/caftans, so that is the list I will give everyone. She has plenty of warm weather gowns, but not enough for cold weather. I made her a caftan out of fleece last year and she loves it because it’s so warm. I may see about making her a couple more for Christmas this year. She stays cold so much of the time and really needs the clothing to help her stay warm.
It’s Jeannie’s year to plan our Christmas get together and I’m anxious to see what she has planned. Last year was mine and we had a Mexican food menu and a guacamole contest with a prize for the winner. It was fun! We have so many get-togethers during the holidays with the traditional turkey and ham dinners that something out of the ordinary is always a nice change. We’ll see what Jeannie comes up with this year!
Chance and several friends went to Frightfest at Frontier City last night. They needed a chauffeur, so Michael and Elizabeth decided they would go, too. I guess they had a good time, although Elizabeth said it was crowded – lots of teenagers! I am very thankful that Chance has grown sisters (and brothers-in-law) who are willing to do the “fun” stuff. Jody was going to take the boys and drop them off and then go back and pick them up at closing time. Michael and Elizabeth made his life much easier – at least for last night!
It was nice to get out of the house for a while today! Although, next time I run errands I check the weather reports first! I left the house in a short-sleeved t-shirt and flip-flops and by the time I finished my errands, it was pretty chilly getting in and out of places!Thanks Jeannie – for sitting with Mom and giving me a much needed break!

Entertaining Angels

Since my Mom has been with me and I am faced with the realization that she won’t be here always, I have really thought a lot about the legacy that she and my Dad leave behind.

When I was a child, Daddy was the custodian of the Church of Christ we attended in Edmond and he also drove the church bus to many of the church functions, with one of my favorite activities being the monthly skating we attended one Sunday a month after evening service. We would go to a skating arena in Oklahoma City for an area wide event for congregations of the Church of Christ.
Even though Daddy was the church custodian – Trust Me – cleaning the building was definitely a family affair! My Mom and all of us kids worked every Saturday to get the building clean for Sunday worship services. We loved Wednesday evenings because we didn’t have to do a lot unless a special event was planned. After each service we checked all the pews in the building, picked up the song books and bibles and put them in the rack where they belonged. Such a little thing, I guess, but I always liked that part of cleaning. Sometimes us kids would race to see which of us could finish putting all the books up first!
The church building was just across the street from a park and many times we would go to the park to play after services. There were a lot of times all of us kids walked together to the park from home which was probably a distance of about two miles. Those days were great – when you didn’t have to worry so much about the evil in the world and trusted that your children would be okay walking any distance by themselves.
One of the best things my parents leave behind them is a wonderful recognition of what is important in this life! We didn’t have much money when I was a child, but I never knew that until I was grown. I don’t remember ever feeling like we were poor, even though now I know that we were. I remember one house we rented, when I was in junior high, that really was not a great house to live in - it needed a lot of work. It fit our needs and even though it did not look like most of the houses the other teens lived in, we held many church functions at the house and always had a great turnout! Our teen group would come and we would play games and have devos and share great times together.
I remember when my brothers were teenagers, they were always brining someone home with them saying “they got kicked out of their house” or they have no place to stay” or some other reason and my parents always allowed them to stay in our home! My Mom would always ask that the visiting guy let someone know where he was staying, but other than that, each person was treated as any other family member. There were a couple of times that my parents were taken advantage of because of their kindness. A couple of the guys that came to stay took things from my parents – of course, with no intent to return them! That never stopped the hospitality my parents showed to everyone.

Keep on loving each other as brothers.

Do not forget to entertain strangers,

for by so doing some people have

entertained angels without knowing it.

Hebrews 13:1,2

That’s one of the greatest gifts I feel that my parents taught to us, their children. There was never an emphasis on “things”. Possessions were something we had use of while we were on this earth and that was it! If there was someone in need, my parents would always help – not even knowing, sometimes, how we would make it through the month!
I’m so thankful for that gift!

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:2

“A man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Luke 12:15

Material possessions are not important to me, either. I am thankful to have a roof over my head and a vehicle to get us where we need, but other than that I don’t need a lot! I have nothing that means more to me than living a life pleasing to God, and nothing that means more than people and their feelings! I hope and pray that I have also instilled the same value in my children!
I can remember, when we would go to my grandparents houses, we were never bombarded with “things” either. We loved to go to their houses to see them and be with them – there was no ulterior motive! We made our own fun at their houses – playing with cousins, reading books, fishing for crawdads, gathering eggs and any other activity that we deemed adventurous.

But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. I Timothy 5:4

I am thankful that my family is so close. In caring for my Mom, I know that I don’t have to make decisions alone and if I need help with anything, I can depend on my brothers and sisters. We have always made decisions regarding my Dad and my Mom as a group – supporting each other. We care for my Mom as one unit - My parent’s six children and their spouses – and I know that is the way God intended parents to be cared for by their family!

Both my Dad’s family and my Mom’s family always placed importance on being together! We always met, at the very least, at Christmas and once in the summertime. When we were younger, we always met for Thanksgiving, too. As the families have grown – we are now into the fourth generation on both sides - we don’t get together as much. Each family has grown children who have grown children and we are just not able to get together as often. I miss that time!
I love family and love to be with them!

Consider The Lilies

Friday night, I went to a party Addyson invited me to attend along with a few of her friends. Elizabeth had planned a dress-up party for Addy and invited seven little girls that Addy has met since starting school. Elizabeth did each girl’s nails and I did each of their make-up. It was so much fun! Eight giggling little girls together for two hours – I haven’t had that much fun in a while!




The girls were so cute in their dress-up clothes – Snow White, Aurora, Belle, Cinderella – and they had so much fun together! I love to watch children because to them everything is such a great adventure!






It’s a shame we can’t all keep that innocence and exuberance forever! So often, we let life’s realities change us into guarded and fearful adults. It would be so great to be able to go into each new situation with the excitement we had as a child – not carrying past hurts and disappointments with us into every new experience. I believe that is the life that God intended us to live – through forgiveness to those who caused the hurts, and repentance for those hurts we may have caused to others! Putting each of those hurts and each of those disappointments away – “wiping the slate clean.”
“Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.” 1 Corinthians 14:20
“Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:4
I really don’t like change – I like routine, knowing and planning each day and activity. Sometimes changes can really throw me off! I carry each of my past experiences with me, afraid of disappointment or failure when I really should go into every situation with child-like wonder! That is something that I am constantly struggling with and try not to carry that “baggage” with me as I go through life.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds” --Philippians 4:6-7
Candace came by Friday afternoon to pick up some clothes that Elizabeth had bought at a yard sale for Levi and Joey. Candace had also been “yard sale shopping” Friday and Levi had on a pair of shoes she bought at one of the sales. They were nice shoes in good condition and he was so proud! The Hospice Chaplain, Cathy, came to see Mom while Candace was still here and Levi met her outside and showed her his wonderful pair of shoes and told her all about how they found them at a yard sale. I don’t really know a lot of people, adults or teens, who would be so excited about a “used” pair of shoes, but he sure was! To him they weren’t a used pair of shoes from a yard sale – they were a “new” pair of shoes bought just for him!
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.” Luke 12:27
All three of the kids – Addy, Levi and Joey – were excited about their “new” clothes and could hardly wait to wear them for the first time! I miss that feeling of excitement and wonderment about each and every new situation.
Mom is living more and more in her state of confusion. I’m afraid some days that I am not able to maintain my composure on some of her subjects. Yesterday, Jody was going to the grocery store and Mom asked him while he was out if he would look for her car!
Now, you have to understand that Mother has not driven a car in about 25 years. At the time she stopped driving, she had been experiencing some blackouts and she and the doctor no longer felt that it was safe for her to continue driving. Jody just went along with and said that he would – even though he would have loved to talk about her car and listen to the explanation! Michael, Elizabeth and Addy had all come for supper and as they were preparing to leave, she asked that they, too, look for her car as they drove home.
Mother told me to tell them that she thought she might have left at the house of the man who makes fun of “ToTo” (from the Wizard of Oz) all the time! I turned around to tell the kids what she said and tried really hard to tell them with a straight face, but I totally lost it! Once I started and was able to tell them the whole sentence, we were all hysterically laughing! Thank goodness, Mother was so confused because I told her we were laughing because none of us could remember that man’s name. She laughed about it then, too, because she could not remember his name either!
Some days, it is really comical around here! This is the first time I’ve lost it in front of her! Jody, Chance and I share chuckles about her stories a lot, but not in front of her. I would never want to hurt her feelings, but I guess in her mind, she doesn’t believe it’s anything against her because she totally believes everything she says and knows that nothing she’s said is funny. For that reason, she just takes our explanations of the laughter for whatever we tell her.
Mom continues to sleep a lot, but not so much of her waking time is spent in tears anymore. I’m so thankful for that! It was so hard to see her in that condition. She still doesn’t always know who I am and calls me “Mom” a lot of the time. Her nurse, Christy, told me that even though she doesn’t always recognize me as “Ann” or as her daughter, she does recognize me as her caregiver. It’s getting easier for me all the time knowing that she doesn’t recognize me because at least she is calmer and less anxious about things. That’s what really matters – that she can live the rest of her life in as much comfort as possible.
The prayers in her behalf are definitely working, helping her to get through each day much more relaxed. Thank you all who are praying for her!
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” I John 5:14,15

Pro-Life Petition

Pro-Life Petition
I found information on the following subject when I visited Valerie’s site at http://iammykidsmom.blogspot.com. It’s important information for those of us who choose life over abortion.

Julie, over at www.happycatholic.blogspot.com brought this to her readers attention. Ms. Magazine published an article about women who told the whole world that they had abortions. The signatures of those women are being sent to Congress, the White House, and state senators. Now, there is a woman who has decided to focus on the real victims of abortion, the unborn, and is getting a petition signed by those of us who think women (and the unborn) deserve BETTER than an abortion. The petition can be found at Amy's blog, located at http://moderncommentaries.blogspot.com/2006/10/battling-ms-magazine.html . This petition will also be sent to Congress. Amy is also looking for stories from women who considered having an abortion but decided against it, choosing life for their unborn child. Please visit Amy’s blog, read her thoughts, and consider signing her petition.

"In Nothing Be Anxious"

“In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6,7

I sent an email to my friend, Karen, this morning talking about Mom and everything going on in my life right now (which by the way, is pretty much Mom!). I told Karen about the couple of episodes I have experienced with Mother expressing anger during her crying spells. I told her how I had talked to Christy, Hospice nurse, about the spells and Christy told me if it gets bad enough, we can try some medications that will help with the anger. I don’t want to put Mother on any more meds if we don’t have to and told Christy that it had only happened a couple of times. Well, today was a "doozy"!

Mother woke up this morning about 8:00 and needed pain medication. She didn’t want to get out of bed yet, so I left her to sleep a while longer. Connie came about 10:30 to give Mom her shower and we got her up then. The remainder of the morning was good, but this afternoon and evening was CRAZY!!!

She, of course, did not recognize me and got very angry with me when I tried to convince her that she lives here now, not with her Mom and Daddy anymore. She wanted me to take her outside where her brothers were and was mad when I told her she couldn’t go outside and her brothers were not here anyway. She then was convinced that she was supposed to attend a meeting in Piedmont tonight and didn’t want me to make her miss it. She wanted me to call her 3rd sister, Jeannie to find out about the meeting and make sure she had all the information right, since Jeannie was the one that told her about the meeting. I called for Jeannie, but she wasn’t home.

I remember as a child, my Grandma told me to be careful what you pray for because God answers prayer. She said to be prepared if you pray for patience and understanding that God will answer – patience and understanding are learned through trial and tribulation! I certainly seem to have that going on now!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

I’ve said it often, but I am still baffled by how my own Mother doesn’t recognize me; how she can be so lost, living in a world where she knows she is 76 years old, but believes that her Mother and Daddy and all of her brothers are still living. Not only does she bring them up now, but we have moved on to the Ushery’s, who were neighbors when Mother was a child and various other relatives some of whom I have never even heard of before.

My prayer was that God would provide a way that I could have Mom at home the rest of her life and through His goodness and mercy, He has provided that way for me. I am thankful and don’t want to sound ungrateful, because having her at home is the answer to my prayers. I do want to grow in faith, in love, in patience and in understanding of all things and of all people and knowing that to be blessed with those traits means that I will go through trial and tribulation, then I thank God for that, too!

God is good! My life is good! My family is good!

I want for nothing more!

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18

I wonder if my peacock friend is to keep me focused on, not only these trials, but also the beauty of God’s creation. The peacock has returned and the other morning when I got up to have my coffee, the peacock (don’t have any idea if it’s he or she) – came to visit.

When I get up, I always open the front door to let in the east light. I love the sunshine coming in the door. I was sitting in the comfy chair (hand-me-down from Annie, which is the most comfortable chair ever!), having my coffee, when China went nuts! She looked towards the door and started barking hysterically! Mother was still asleep, so, of course I was trying to get China to be quiet, but she would not stop! I got up and looked at the door and there was the peacock! I had to grab my camera and got some good shots! When I went out on the deck to see the peacock, China came out with me and she was set on running the peacock out of the yard!

I love peacocks! They are one of the most beautiful of God’s creatures, as far as I’m concerned! They’re loud, I had never heard one until the other day when the grandkids were here. When Chance got home, he decided he was going to catch the peacock and went out with his light saber to get it! I followed him outside and I guess he got tired of chasing it because he was relaxing in the chair on his cell phone.

I haven’t seen the peacock in the past couple of days, but I hope it comes back again. It gives me a little something to take my mind off of things for a little while!

Here's a picture of Addyson and China when they tried on their costumes for Halloween! Can you tell? They are both dressed as Cinderella!

Two Little Princesses!!!

I Will Always Have Hope

But as for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more. Psalm 71:14

She’s not my Mother? Today and yesterday, both, Mom has not known who I am. Today, when I tried to explain to her that I was her daughter, she wanted to know who told me that and she looked at me with a look that seemed to convey such pity on me because I didn’t know who my Mother is.

I always call her Mom. How can she hear me call her Mom, look me in the eye and have absolutely no idea who I am or that I am her daughter! She tells me that she doesn’t live here – and she wants to go home. It’s becoming more difficult to communicate with her. I certainly can’t talk about family with her, nor can I talk about current events. She is somewhere else – in another time where I didn’t even exist.

She had a crying spell today that went on for about an hour and a half. I couldn’t talk her out of this one. Normally, I can talk to her about events surrounding the time in which her confusion is centered, but today she had no recall of any of the events she was trying to remember.

I miss my Mom! I feel her leaving with each passing day. If there were anything I could change, I would make this time in her life peaceful. She is so uncomfortable and so lost! I continue to pray that God will give her peace and comfort for the remainder of her life on earth. Even though that has not happened, I know that God is providing me with the strength I need to continue to care for her. God is good and I know that he hears my prayers and I also know that he is in control. I have to give it to Him because it is too much for me!

Sometimes it seems like my Mom has not had much peace in her lifetime. She has always cared for others without much thought to her own comfort. She married Daddy at age 17. The first six years of their marriage she suffered miscarriages and stillbirths for six separate pregnancies. That alone seems unbearable to me! The next six years she had five children! She always wanted to be a Mom and boy, did her dreams come true!

Mother always spoiled Daddy – he was her only baby for so long and she waited on him hand-and-foot! Even in his later years, Daddy wouldn’t even go to the refrigerator and make himself a sandwich if he got hungry! He worked every day and took care of the family – but the housework was definitely not his forte.

Mother worked most of my life. When we were young, she worked in a nursing home and one of the best things about her work was when she would take us up to the home to visit the residents. We loved it – and of course they did, too! Halloween was always fun! The residents always passed out candy to the kids! Until I was grown, I never knew that they probably enjoyed it as much as we did!

When we – the kids – were all between the ages of 10 and 16, Mom got pregnant again! I think she cried for four months! She was 39 and Daddy was 45. What a surprise Jimmy was – but a good surprise! Mother and Daddy loved him as much as they did the rest of us after the initial shock wore off! Us kids had great fun with him. My brothers were dating age and Jimmy was a great pick-up for the girls! He went on a few dates and had a lot of fun!

At the age of 40+ Mom took some classes at UCO (CSU then). She became a dietary supervisor for a man who owned seven nursing homes around the state. She had to travel on her job because she helped set up and maintain the dietary department at each of these nursing homes. She enjoyed the job and really had a good boss.

She worked hard all her life! The last five years of Daddy’s life, Mother rarely left his side. She took care of him during that time when he could no longer care for himself. She loved him dearly! Her love was never more evident than the last 24 hours of his life. He had been in the hospital for two weeks. He was intubated shortly after he entered the hospital on Thanksgiving Day in 1994. He was put on a ventilator for about three days and they expected him not to live once he was removed. He did live – for a few days. It was as if he hung on until he was able to see all of the kids and all of his brothers and in-laws!

During that last 24 hours, he asked Mom to sing to him. There were two songs he wanted and she sang them over and over to him, standing at the head of his bed, holding his hand. She didn’t leave his side for 20 hours – not even taking a bathroom break! Her singing relaxed him and I think he readied himself to die. After all that time, Mom had to take a short break and went to the waiting room. She was not gone long before he flat-lined. I was with him when he died and I’m thankful for that moment!

Mother’s life is not one that I would call peaceful, although I believe she loved her life and know that she loved her family.
She also taught Sunday School classes as long as I can remember. She taught the baby class at Choctaw for many years. She loved God and lived her life in service to Him.


The Lord gives strength to his people;

the Lord blesses his people with peace. Ps 29:11

O Lord, I pray that Mother can feel Your hand upon her and feel the peace that comes only from You, Lord and when it is time for her to leave this earth, I pray that she will have an easy passing and know how much she is loved!

Praise God In All Things

If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. I Peter 4:11

I’m up now for the third time since I went to bed last night. Mother has not slept well and that means that I don’t sleep through the night either. I feel like I did when my children were babies – before they slept through the night. The main difference is that now I am 48 years old! What a difference 20 years makes! I certainly never thought that I would be up and down – in and out of sleep – at this stage in my life. I get tired, but what a blessing! Thank you, God, that I am able to have Mother at home and that I am able to care for her!

I talked to Christy, Mom’s nurse, about maybe getting some medication to help her sleep at night. She will be here again today for her weekly visit and I am going to talk to her about it again. I don’t really know what keeps her from sleeping at night – except maybe her back pain. She is having more back pain all the time. I give her pain medication routinely because if I skip a dose, she really experiences a lot of pain.

Yesterday was quite a day! She was confused the entire day – from the time she woke up until she went to bed. She only had one crying spell, though, which was good. I sat with her and tried to explain to her that the confusion she has is just a progression of her disease due to aging. I told her that I really don’t understand it, but feel like she has gone back in time! She agreed that she feels that way also. She talks as though she left her house just a few minutes ago with her childhood family intact! It’s as if the past 40 or 50 years never happened! I really have to help her recall the events that have transpired since that time long ago!

It’s such a strange feeling – not knowing where she is, what she’s seeing that makes her believe she’s back in time! At one point yesterday, she asked me where my Daddy was working. I asked if she was talking about Jody – no; was she talking about Fred – no; she said Syd! Okay, the only Syd I know is married to Harolyn and I’m not even sure Mom has ever met him! I don’t know who she thought I was, but I just told her I wasn’t sure where he was working today!

Mom kept asking all day yesterday how she was going to get home. Last night she wanted to call her Mom and that’s when I had to actually go into detail with her again, telling her that her Mom was no longer alive. It’s tough! I feel so sorry for her having to re-live the death of her family over and over again. Family has always meant everything to her! When she was a child all she wanted to be when she grew up was a wife and a mother. That was her dream! She didn’t need a career – only a family!

This past Saturday, I had all the grandkids at our house for the day. At one point, they came running in all excited because there was a peacock in the yard! Of course, when they came in to tell me about the “animal”, I wasn’t sure what was in the yard. Levi and Joey kept calling it “the King Kong” and Addyson called it “the Ping Pong”. Blake knew what it was, because they had one in their neighborhood. I guess it wandered over from one of the neighbors. I had never seen it here before, so that was kind of fun! The boys decided they wanted to catch it – you should have seen the three of them chasing behind it! I wish that I had a picture of that, but I did at least get a few pictures of the peacock before it left the yard.

Tonight, Michael, Elizabeth and Addy are coming to stay the night. It will be fun to having them here again. They put their house on the market yesterday! My prayer is that the house sell fast at the price they are asking (or over) and they will be able to find a house out here and get moved in quickly! It will be great to have all the kids back in our close little circle!
My thoughts are a little fuzzy sometimes, so early in the morning! Time for a cup of coffee and then get my day going! Each day is a gift from God and I pray that what I do with this day will be pleasing to Him!

This is the day which the Lord hath made;
we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Blessings Received

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. John 1:16

Most days at our house, it’s quiet. Mom sleeps a lot, which leaves me a lot of time to study and lots of time to think. Thinking, for me, might be good or it might be bad! I guess it depends on the day.

Mom and I talk a lot about “old times” – especially since that’s where she seems to be, at least in her mind, most of the time now. I can’t imagine how sad it would be to learn daily about the deaths of your mother, your father, six of your brothers and other relatives. When Daddy died, I grieved for him. As time has passed, the grief becomes less and less. I still love him and miss him, but thinking about him doesn’t reduce me to tears as it did at first. Imagine, not a day goes by that Mother doesn’t grieve for everyone she’s lost, because – for her – she learns of their deaths each and every day! Sometimes I wonder how she can possible go on – it seems as if the constant feelings of sorrow and loneliness are so great that her life will surely end! I’ve always heard of people that died from “a broken heart”. I certainly understand how that could be possible.

I thank God for the strength he provides us to get through these times. How does an “unbeliever” get through the hard times in their lives? It must be a dreadfully lonely and desolate life!

Mother seems to be living in her state of confusion more and more. We no longer have a full day in which she remains in a “current” state of mine. Most days she knows who I am – at least for now. The times that she can’t recognize me happen more frequently. There are times when she no longer seems to know that she’s confused.

For the first time, the other night, she became angry in her confusion! Jody and I had gone to Lowe’s while Elizabeth sat with Mom. We left Jody’s cell phone in the truck when we went in the store and missed a call from Elizabeth. She said that probably five minutes after we left home, Mom became agitated – confused and crying. Elizabeth said she went from subject to subject – none of which made any sense. By the time I got back home, her main complaint was that someone had called the house from the funeral home saying they had her (Mom) there at the nursing home and they would not believe that she was not there! It’s hopeless to reason with her because she’s not making any sense in what she is saying, but also believes that what she’s saying is true! She was upset with me and wanted to know why I would move her in with me and then move away, leaving her behind. I tried to explain to her that I was not moving, and that I would be staying there with her. She then would ask why I had left that evening! During the day, she gets agitated if I leave the room she is in for very long. She doesn’t want to be left alone at all! She is never left alone – if I have to go somewhere, I always have someone else to sit with her that is able to help her with all of her needs, including personal care.







She doesn’t believe that she has been living here for over a month now. She thinks that she has been moved from place to place. She can’t remember who lives here in this house. When any of the kids come to visit, she doesn’t understand that they go to their own homes to sleep. Many mornings, she asks about Addyson, Joey and Levi – wanting to know where they are and why they aren’t here at the house. She can’t remember where her room is, even when she walks into the room. Seeing the room herself doesn’t help – she still can’t remember.

I am so thankful she’s home! I am truly blessed to be able to spend this time with her so closely. Even the tears – mine and hers – can't take away the joy I feel in this special time with her. These are times that I will never forget and never regret! Thank you God, for blessing me in this way!

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. Ps 29:11