What happens when you think you have your life planned in a certain way and suddenly that life no longer exists? What happens when everything you thought you were certain of - in this life - is gone? What happens when the people you thought you could always count on provide confirmation that they are not now, and maybe never were really there?
My life, especially since the beginning of this year, seems to be full of “what happens when” events. I live alone - in an apartment instead of on the acreage that belonged to my parents. I had four children for the last 19 years and suddenly feel like I only have two! I had five grandchildren and suddenly it seems like I have one! I had a job I loved for over a year and now am in the process of finding another one - hopefully closer to home. I shared in a two-income family and am now living on about 1/3 of the income to which I had become accustomed.
Some days it seems as if the many ”what happens when” changes in my life will just consume me - crush me until I can no longer breath - no longer get up - no longer find myself because of all of “it”! Some days I am okay and know that things will be better. I do get up! I do breath. I am working to find myself - even in the midst of “it”!
I have real fear of seeking relationships with other people. It is so much easier, so much safer to be alone. I truly am so tired of being hurt! I sometimes wonder how many times can I be hurt and still be expected to continue?
And then, once again, He is there! Almighty God who loves me for who I am! God who provides the strength I need to approach new relationships, without fear of being rejected or hurt, even though that seems impossible to me! I know that through Him I can continue - I can do all things!
“The things which are impossible with men
are possible with God.”
Luke 18:27
When I think about the prospect of a new job - the searching, applying and the interviews - I sometimes worry. I worry about the impression I will make on potential employers. I worry about starting again at 50 years of age. I also know that God will direct my paths.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5, 6
I am learning every day to trust - putting all my trust in the Lord, but also learning to trust others. Learning to consider that other people can be trustworthy and can accept me for who I am. Learning to open my heart to the possibility of true friendship. Learning to open my heart!
I have hope in the future. I know that there will be peace and calm for me. I know that Elizabeth, Michael, Addy and Chance, as well as my brothers and sisters are my anchors. I know that Dr S and J will continue to help me learn the things that have brought me to this point and will also help me learn the coping skills I need to live.
Most of all I know that God will never leave me -
“For He Himself has said,
I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5
My faith and my hope is in Him because “what happens when” I lay it all at the cross, I am blessed beyond measure!
“But may the God of all grace,
who called us to His eternal glory
by Christ Jesus,
after you have suffered a while,
perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”
I Peter 5:10
In His Love and Blessings
annb
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