Elizabeth and "Grace"

May 13, 2008

My daughter, Elizabeth, posts at http://homeschoolmommyfromoklahoma.blogspot.com/ and posted today on Grace. She is very passionate about God, forgiveness, Grace, homeschooling, adoption, motherhood and many other subjects. I think you would find her site very interesting.
She talks about Grace and how it is given to us by God - even though none of us deserve it. She talks about how freely she is able to give Grace and I am amazed, as always, by her wisdom. She seems so young to be so wise, but then I think about her life and know that she has been through a lot and has learned many lessons. She teaches me - even though I’m the mom.

She also talked about, in her post today, that even when we are able to forgive - it doesn’t mean that we have to remain in a place where we’ve been hurt, neglected, abused or injured. It has taken me many years to understand that I have many wounds to heal from not understanding. My meetings with J are helping so much and yet, I know - I have so much more to learn. I never understood the significance of events and experiences in my life that still affect me today. I am learning how events and experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. How those experiences helped determine the choices I’ve made along the way.

I am working on understanding that other people’s opinions don’t matter. God is my judge and it is to Him that I will answer as I stand before Him on the day of judgement. I do know that no matter what choices I’ve made, both good and bad don’t - in themselves determine who I am or what I can do with my life. God also gave me free will to make the choices.

The separation from my husband is difficult at times. He and I are not the only ones involved, nor the only ones who are hurt by all of this. It has an effect on my children as well. My children should now and should always have been accepted as my husband’s family - even as his children were accepted into mine. I have never understood how anyone can not love a child - even when that child is the exact opposite of who they are!

Jody and I married knowing that he brought into the marriage two daughters and I brought into the marriage one daughter. We knew that and accepted that we would all be a family together. He and I never treated our children differently - they were all equal in our eyes. Eleven months after we married, we had our son. Now, we thought it would be easier “blending” our family. I’ve never felt like those feelings changed for either of us. We were both still parents to four children - His, Mine and Ours!

Elizabeth, Michael and Addy still call Jody regularly. Their love and attachment to him have not changed - even with the separation. I’m glad they still feel that he is part of their family, too. Jody was the first Dad Elizabeth ever knew. Jody is Addy’s “PaPa” - and I hope that never changes, either. Chance and I talk every day. I miss him terribly, but when I moved he decided to stay there to finish high school. Besides, he was 18 and old enough to decide. He’s such a great kid. I can’t imagine my life without either of them.

I can’t imagine my life - what it would have been like without Toni and Candace either. We had some pretty tough times, especially in the beginning. It was hard for them, I’m sure. If they “liked” me, they felt they were being wrong to their mother and they loved their mother. They surely never wanted to do anything to hurt her. I never wanted to take her place - just be given a place for myself in their lives.

I miss them. I talk to Candace sporadically now. She and I used to talk about every other day. She would call to tell me little things that the kids had done and I loved hearing about them - no matter how small. I love my grandchildren - all five of them. I remember when Blake was born - Toni even allowed me to be in the delivery room! It was so exciting! As he grew, I took so many pictures of him - he is my first grandchild. Candace’s boys are so cute and I love to see them and talk with them. I haven’t been able to be with Gabby much - I’m afraid she won’t know me.

I have, at times, questioned my decision - but believe that I’ve done the right thing, for myself and for Jody. It is a separation because of death - death of our marriage. We let too many things and too many people into our hearts, but the result was not what we thought it would be. We wanted our family to grow together in love and commitment - but Jody and I were judged negatively as parents, our wants and desires for our family scoffed at and not honored. It affected us all. It caused friction and failure.

My focus now is forgiveness, Grace and learning. What’s past is past and I am trying to keep that foremost in my mind. I am learning about myself and discovering where I can go from here! I know that God will give me wisdom and strength and direct my path - if I will just “Be Still and Listen”.

In His Love and Blessings
annb