Wind Can Be Beautiful

May 24, 2008

Memorial Weekend – I’m so ready! This has been kind of a tough week. Last Saturday was my last meeting with J until she gets the okay from the state – Licensing and all. The fact that I would not be meeting with her for a while (hopefully a short “while”) may have contributed to my feelings of stress!

She has provided me with many tools to us when I begin to feel overwhelmed or depressed and I’ve been able (pretty much) to use those tools this week to help me get through the “not so easy” times. I’m trying to focus on God’s love and promises and remembering that He is always with me and will guide me if I just “be still and listen”!

Last Sunday, at church, I went into the women’s class and really enjoyed it. The leader of the group had called me on Saturday before Mother’s Day and told me about the group and encouraged me to join them. It was great! They made me feel extremely welcome and seem to be a great group of women – willing to share experiences and advice on many subjects. I’m looking forward to meeting with them again on Sunday!

Monday night was Chance’s graduation at the Cox Center. I didn’t want to have to drive and park downtown, so I rode with Elizabeth and Michael. We met Jody, Toni, Blake, Nick, Candace and their three kids, before the graduation, at a restaurant downtown. That was an experience in itself! The service was really bad! I will not be going there again! They completely forgot Elizabeth’s and Addy’s meals – never brought them out!

Toni and I had been sharing our dinners with Addy and Elizabeth, at least, had a salad before we had to leave. Michael and I left before the others to walk over to the Convention Center and save enough seats for everyone. We were able to get on the front row to the side of the seniors – not the best, but not the worst either. We had a total of 20 people, which was great! My sister-in-law and her mother drove the 3-hour trip with my two young nephews, which meant a lot to me. My brother had been called out, for work, to a very serious situation that afternoon and was not able to attend, but S’s mom stepped in to help so that S wouldn’t be alone with the two boys.

I really like her mom – very kind and gracious lady! My older sister came with her daughter, who was in the band. My younger sister, her husband, two daughters and their husbands all came. Jody, Toni, Blake, Candace and baby Gabby were with us, too. Nick had left from the restaurant to take the two older boys home.

I have not felt the separation between our family more than I did Monday night! Jody and the girls sat on one end while the rest of us sat at the other end of the rows. Blake sat beside me most of the night, which was nice for me – but a little heartbreaking, as well. He brought his cell phone with him and wanted to put me in as a “contact”. I told him how nice that was and that he could call me anytime! He asked me my name and, of course, I responded with, “You know my name, I’m Grandma!” He then said, “No, I have too many Grandma’s, what’s your real name?” That hurt that he doesn’t want to call me Grandma. Of course, I got teary-eyed and had to get a tissue from someone else – all the while trying not to let anyone see me crying!

When the ceremony ended, sisters (sister-in-law included) and J – S’s mom – were going to go down for pictures with Chance. I looked around for Jody and the girls, but they were gone! They didn’t go down to meet with Chance or have pictures – something we did when each of them graduated. That hurt, too! I know they’re dealing with a lot, too, and each of us has to deal with things our own way. All of these things put me “in a funk” for a couple of days, but I kept thinking about the things J had told me to do in case I began to feel this way and that really helped!

Each day, I made myself get up, make the bed, go to work – even when all I wanted to do was stay home, pull the covers over my head and not “deal” with life! This “long” weekend, I will be making myself some charts to hang around the house – things I need to do each day whether I feel like it or not! J gave me some “templates” that will help me get going with this project. I know it will help.

I’ve been having some trouble with my vision and finally decided to see a specialist this week. It’s not a “new” problem, but one that seems to be getting worse with time. I have “floaters” and have had them for some time, but they are now constantly in my line of vision which is pretty annoying. I’ve also developed some cloudiness in one of my eyes which is definitely affecting my vision!

Now, of course, for insurance to pay for a visit to the specialist you first have to see your PCP and get a referral! So, Wednesday afternoon I saw my PCP and she was able to get me in Thursday to see the specialist. He saw the floaters and said there’s not really anything to do about them. He also said I have cataracts in both eyes (I think that now makes me officially old!), but there’s nothing I need to do about them now, but maybe later! He said glasses would help and wrote me a prescription for NO-LINE BIFOCALS! Yes, confirmation that I am definitely now old!!!

Anyway, I’ll pick up my glasses next week – at a cost of almost $400.00!! The good news I got from my PCP – my health is great! My blood pressure was 118/82 and my heart rate was 63! Not bad for an ol’ lady! I was definitely pleased.

I’m pluggin’ on each day and things really are so much better. Living with only myself is a good thing and I’m making it my home more and more each day! If I could get all my boxes unpacked and everything in it’s own place – that would be great! Patience is a virtue, right?

Well, the devil continues to work at pulling me away from God in ways that I never expect. Work today proved to be his “crowning moment” for me! Something hit me at work today so hard that I’ve not caught my breath yet. My long “holiday” weekend will be spent in much prayer and study and trying to keep myself focused. It was something I never expected and I can’t even talk about it! I talked to Elizabeth and to my friend, Gina from work, but I won’t share it with anyone else.

I am trying to be trusting and allowing people in to “my comfort space” a little at a time, but it’s very difficult for me. Sometimes it feels like as I begin to relax and allow someone a little closer, I get the wind knocked out of me!

I am trusting that all things will work together for good! I trust the Lord and He is always faithful to lead me - if I will listen! I will be listening a lot lately - I definitely am in need of prayer.

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Elizabeth and "Grace"

May 13, 2008

My daughter, Elizabeth, posts at http://homeschoolmommyfromoklahoma.blogspot.com/ and posted today on Grace. She is very passionate about God, forgiveness, Grace, homeschooling, adoption, motherhood and many other subjects. I think you would find her site very interesting.
She talks about Grace and how it is given to us by God - even though none of us deserve it. She talks about how freely she is able to give Grace and I am amazed, as always, by her wisdom. She seems so young to be so wise, but then I think about her life and know that she has been through a lot and has learned many lessons. She teaches me - even though I’m the mom.

She also talked about, in her post today, that even when we are able to forgive - it doesn’t mean that we have to remain in a place where we’ve been hurt, neglected, abused or injured. It has taken me many years to understand that I have many wounds to heal from not understanding. My meetings with J are helping so much and yet, I know - I have so much more to learn. I never understood the significance of events and experiences in my life that still affect me today. I am learning how events and experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. How those experiences helped determine the choices I’ve made along the way.

I am working on understanding that other people’s opinions don’t matter. God is my judge and it is to Him that I will answer as I stand before Him on the day of judgement. I do know that no matter what choices I’ve made, both good and bad don’t - in themselves determine who I am or what I can do with my life. God also gave me free will to make the choices.

The separation from my husband is difficult at times. He and I are not the only ones involved, nor the only ones who are hurt by all of this. It has an effect on my children as well. My children should now and should always have been accepted as my husband’s family - even as his children were accepted into mine. I have never understood how anyone can not love a child - even when that child is the exact opposite of who they are!

Jody and I married knowing that he brought into the marriage two daughters and I brought into the marriage one daughter. We knew that and accepted that we would all be a family together. He and I never treated our children differently - they were all equal in our eyes. Eleven months after we married, we had our son. Now, we thought it would be easier “blending” our family. I’ve never felt like those feelings changed for either of us. We were both still parents to four children - His, Mine and Ours!

Elizabeth, Michael and Addy still call Jody regularly. Their love and attachment to him have not changed - even with the separation. I’m glad they still feel that he is part of their family, too. Jody was the first Dad Elizabeth ever knew. Jody is Addy’s “PaPa” - and I hope that never changes, either. Chance and I talk every day. I miss him terribly, but when I moved he decided to stay there to finish high school. Besides, he was 18 and old enough to decide. He’s such a great kid. I can’t imagine my life without either of them.

I can’t imagine my life - what it would have been like without Toni and Candace either. We had some pretty tough times, especially in the beginning. It was hard for them, I’m sure. If they “liked” me, they felt they were being wrong to their mother and they loved their mother. They surely never wanted to do anything to hurt her. I never wanted to take her place - just be given a place for myself in their lives.

I miss them. I talk to Candace sporadically now. She and I used to talk about every other day. She would call to tell me little things that the kids had done and I loved hearing about them - no matter how small. I love my grandchildren - all five of them. I remember when Blake was born - Toni even allowed me to be in the delivery room! It was so exciting! As he grew, I took so many pictures of him - he is my first grandchild. Candace’s boys are so cute and I love to see them and talk with them. I haven’t been able to be with Gabby much - I’m afraid she won’t know me.

I have, at times, questioned my decision - but believe that I’ve done the right thing, for myself and for Jody. It is a separation because of death - death of our marriage. We let too many things and too many people into our hearts, but the result was not what we thought it would be. We wanted our family to grow together in love and commitment - but Jody and I were judged negatively as parents, our wants and desires for our family scoffed at and not honored. It affected us all. It caused friction and failure.

My focus now is forgiveness, Grace and learning. What’s past is past and I am trying to keep that foremost in my mind. I am learning about myself and discovering where I can go from here! I know that God will give me wisdom and strength and direct my path - if I will just “Be Still and Listen”.

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Storm, Subway & Freezers

May 2, 2008

What an evening this has been! Elizabeth and Michael have applied for adoption through DHS and started classes tonite - lasting for the next month - as part of the adoption process. I will be keeping Addy for them on most of the nights they have class. After work today, I drove down here - almost home - to meet them at the location of their class and picked up Addy to keep for the evening. She and I then drove to Choctaw to have dinner with Chance and then go visit her cousins - Candace and Nick’s kiddos.

We made it to Subway and had almost finished out dinner when the tornado warnings began! We watched it rain, hail and the rotation of a major wall cloud . . . right over the restaurant! It really was awesome to see the clouds rolling and churning - trying to form a tornado! The sirens went off at least twice - two separate times - because of the possibility of a tornado forming from that wall cloud. We stayed at Subway until it was all clear. At one point the district manager called the store and told the workers to get everyone - including the customers - into the walk-in freezer! We never did go into it - but positioned ourselves right outside of it - close enough to get in if necessary.

Poor little Addy got scared a couple of times, but the girl working was so sweet to her. She let her go in the back with her and showed her the freezer we would go into if a tornado came. When we left Addy gave her a big hug!

It was great to spend time with Chance. I really miss him. I love to hear about his life and everything he’s doing. I’m glad that we have the relationship we share - I can’t imagine life without him!

Once the storm passed, Addy and I went to Candace’s to see the kids. It was fun to see them and especially fun for Addy to get to play with them for awhile. They hadn’t seen each other in a while and had a great time together. They’re so sweet.

Yesterday at my aunt’s funeral service they shared some pictures of her one of the pictures they showed is also one of the best “treasures” I hold inside of my great-aunt (whose hands are pictured), of my grandmother (sister to great-aunt) and of my mother and my aunt (mother’s sister)! They all are such amazing women, full of love for God and family. We now have only my aunt - each of the other’s has passed on - to a life eternal with our Lord!

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Life - It Is!

May 1, 2008

I attended another family funeral today - #5 in the last year and a half. I had an uncle pass away the end of 2006, an aunt Dec 2006, my mom Feb 2007, an uncle three weeks ago and my great-aunt on Monday. Her funeral was today.

I know that being 50 it is inevitable that there will be more losses in my life, but that doesn’t make it easier! I have a big family which, of course, means the possibility of even more. It is - because each life here must end. What a blessing to know that for those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, death of this earthly life is not the end!

I just feel like I have been grieving for so long now - the death of my mother, the deaths of other family and the death of my marriage. I think, though, that my marriage died a long time ago - but I grieve it still.

I’m still in therapy with J, still seeing Dr. S, still in Stress Management Class and still trying to get settled in my apartment. I live with myself and only myself. I am enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling better all the time. The hardest part of all of this is not having Chance with me. We talk every day - I miss him. He’s very affectionate when we get to see each other and called Monday evening “just to talk”! What an awesome young man he is!

He had his hair cut today - still maintaining the mohawk! He and I both go to the same stylist and she texted me after doing his hair to let me know everything she had done and how much it would be for the day. I will go out tomorrow to pay her and see Chance. She also told me how much she loves Chance! She always tells me how polite he is and how funny and smart! Of course, I know these things but I never tire of hearing them from someone else! I can’t imagine my life without him!

I’m learning to do many things that I never thought I could do - I’ve always had someone else to do them for me - for 50 years! Since moving into my apartment I have installed a PUR water filter on my kitchen sink which was no easy feat, believe me! I actually had to go to the hardware store to buy an adapter for the faucet because the filter would not fit directly onto the faucet! Yeah, I did that by myself, too!

Finances are a major issue with me - especially since I’ve not been on my own for many years. I have “socked” away some savings and am trying to be smart about my purchases for the apartment. When I moved out of the home my husband and I shared I didn’t take much from there. Of course, I took all of my things - clothing, jewelry, etc. I just didn’t take much furniture because Jody and Chance would still be living there and would need it. So, I’ve had to purchase a few things, like a computer desk and some bookcases which had to be assembled.

My most recent assembly job was my computer desk and it looks great and is sturdy, as well! I never imagined I would be doing these things myself. It feels good to know that I am able to do it!

Things are going well for me. I am learning new coping skills to us when I feel myself becoming depressed or anxious. They are great tools and I have already put them to use! I have also lost 16 lbs since the beginning of March! I know that I’ve made the right decisions regarding my life. Work is going well. Performance evaluations are complete and now we just wait to see if we get a raise! I’m not worried - but praying!

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Love - Out of the Mouths of Babes

April 25, 2008

I am still moving - well, everything is inside my apartment, but I’m still emptying boxes, arranging furniture, and trying to get settled in and make it “home”. I don’t have much time to blog so I’m just posting on some great emails I’ve received lately from friends. Hope you enjoy!

I have some amazing friends and love to get email from them. This was sent to me from one of those friends!

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . …

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. From the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

‘When my grandmother got arthritis,

she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore

So my grandfather does it for her all the time,

even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’
Rebecca- age 8

‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’
Billy - age 4

‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume

and a boy puts on shaving cologne

and they go out and smell each other.’
Karl - age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat

and give somebody most of your French fries

without making them give you any of theirs.’
Chrissy - age 6

‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’
Terri - age 4

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy

and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’
Danny - age 7

‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,

you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’
Emily - age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.’
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,’
Nikka - age 6(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’
Noelle - age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends

even after they know each other so well.’
Tommy - age 6

‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.

I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’
Cindy - age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody

You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’
Clare - age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’
Elaine-age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty

and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’
Chris - age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’
Mary Ann - age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me

all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’
Lauren - age 4

‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down

and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image)
Karen - age 7

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’
Mark - age 6

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.

But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’
Jessica - age 8

. . . And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry’

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Fresh Start Monday!

April 15, 2008

The beginning of another week! Time to start over again - fresh and ready to face the world, right? Whatever!

Saturday Elizabeth, Michael and I went to my uncle’s funeral. The funeral was tough, but I saw so many family members - some that I had not seen in years! The church, where my aunt and uncle attend had a luncheon, for the family, before the funeral. We got there about 11:00 and the funeral started at 2:00, so we had a lot of time to visit with family and that part was great!

My uncle was such a sweet, loving man who had given his life to God many years ago. He was a great example for others. He and his wife were married in 1944 and have four sons, their wives and nine grandchildren. He will definitely be missed.

Saturday evening, Elizabeth was hosting a baby shower for one of her daycare moms. She had already changed the time from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm and then when my uncle died, it was changed to 5:00 pm. We didn’t go to the cemetery because we knew we would not be able to make it back in time to finish the errands we needed to finish and be ready for the shower at 5:00. Of course, you can never plan for delays.

We left the funeral, in Maysville, and got on the highway about 3:00. Two hours later we were arriving in Purcell - about 12 miles distance! The highway was backed up - at a standstill most of the time because of road work (which by the way we never did see any work happening!). So, of course, instead of getting home by 3:30, 3:45 as we had planned, we did not walk into the house until 5:20! All of the guests arrived before we did!

Luckily, Elizabeth has a great husband and she had him doing the things that she and I had planned to do when we got home. She also had the help of her friend/neighbor and even Addy’s Daddy. By the time we got home most things had been done, but I still had to fix the appetizer I had planned because there was no recipe which meant I was the only one who could do it. The friend/neighbor chopped all the veggies I needed to put in it, so that saved a lot of time. The shower was a success - even with all the issues! Thank you, Lord, for understanding friends!

Sunday, I went to a church I had not attended before. I really like the service and the mission of the church and am sure I will be going again. Sunday the sermon was on “giving”. Not always the best sermon for guests, but this time it was okay. They are working on funding a ministry for children and adults with disabilities and a building for handling those with special needs - classroooms, restrooms, etc. I thought it was a great idea and one that is needed today. They already have a program called “gifting and lifting”, which really touched my heart.

One of the women in the church came forward with her son, who is a special needs adult (not sure if it was an injury or illness), but he also spoke. He works every Sunday passing out the bulletin to members and guests as they come into the building. His mother asked him why he did this and he answered, “Because everyone needs to know how much God loves them.”

His mother spoke about having to have someone stay at home each worship service because she and her husband, physically, were not able to lift their son and his wheelchair into their truck to transport him to church. The man in charge of the new ministry called her one day and asked if it would be all right if he came by and lifted her son and his chair for them so they could attend church together . . . As a family! Since that time, they always have someone who comes by and makes sure Caleb gets lifted into the truck and is able to take his place as “greeter” when the doors open at the church building. How awesome is that! I can’t imagine a ministry worth more than that!

I meet with Julie tonight. Tomorrow night is my Stress Management group and I will be moving over the weekend. It’s going to be a busy week!

In His Love and Blessings
annb

Peace and Serenity

April 10, 2008

My Uncle L passed away this afternoon. I knew Sunday, when I saw him, that it would not be long. My brother called me about an hour after he passed. I talked to my Aunt a bit later and she said his passing was very peaceful. She said she was able to hold him in her arms, tell him goodbye and he passed while she held him. I think being at home, surrounded by those who love you must be the best way to pass. So much better than being in a sterile hospital environment. I know what a blessing it was to have my Mom at home and to have the family with her at the end of her life on this earth.

It’s rainy here - actually, stormy! When I left work at 5:00 it was raining and had been for some time. The roads were flooded in some areas, there were traffic lights out - blinking red in all directions, my car was on empty and I had an appt to get my hair cut at 5:30! I made it to my appt at 5:45. After I got my hair cut, I went by Candace’s to see the kids for a bit. Gabby has grown so much since I last saw her.

Chance had asked me for some money to help him out with prom expenses, so I went by his job to leave him some money. He’s just the most awesome kid and I love him dearly. He even hugged me - right there at work - in public! It just doesn’t get much better than that!

Two weeks ago, I started attending a six week class on Stress Management. It’s a small group, but it’s great! We all seem to click and this week (we meet on Tuesday evening), we found that we all had so much in common! I see it as another blessing - God preparing my way and placing people in my life as I need them. I am learning some good coping techniques and also learning more about myself. We took a test on the first evening that actually gave a score to our stress level. We each were way above the maximum score given! A little scary - but at least I know where I need work!

Just 9 more days until move-in day! I have so many emotions going through me at the thought of living on my own and supporting myself . . . . alone! Some good - some scary, but overall I think I’m ready. I guess I’ll find out.

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 138:8 “God will perfect that which concerns me”. It gives me great peace to know that He is involved in every aspect of my life - no matter how small it seems.

In His Love and Blessings
annb