My "Goliath"

AT last to be identified!
At last, the lamps upon thy side,
The rest of life to see!
Past midnight, past the morning star!
Past sunrise! Ah! what leagues there are
Between our feet and day!

-Emily Dickinson-

It would start with just a look - an expression I had come to know meant anger! A rage that comes out of nowhere! A rage that I knew meant pain and terror - terror like no other! I feared - each time - that this would be the last time. The last time that I would feel anything . . . anything at all. I feared, and sometimes hoped, that this time would end my life!

I survived! I survived years of abuse at the hands of my husband. Not only did I survive one marriage to an abusive husband, but I survived two marriages - both filled with abuse and the terror that comes with the beatings, the belief that if I had been a better wife - if I had fixed the right meal; if I had folded the laundry correctly; if I had not missed that speck of dirt on the floor; if I had not fixed my hair or make-up the wrong way or any other "violation" I had committed against him, I would not have been "punished".

Even today, it's difficult for me to admit - or understand - why I married, twice, men who hurt me in ways that I had never experienced before and have never experienced since - since those horrible years! When my first marriage "ended", he stalked me for several years. I never saw him - he was very good at staying undetected, but he would call me regularly to inform me that he had been watching, and to give me details of the things I had been doing, where I had gone, anyone who had come to my house - he was still controlling me!

When my second marriage ended, I was stalked again! I was followed, had damage done to my house and to my car, I was threatened with death! In both instances, I had to file restraining orders and had the police tap my phone to record the death threats to be used as evidence - "in case". I experienced, not only regular beatings, but loaded guns pointed at my head and still to this day, I don't know why I survived!

I have been married, now, for almost 18 years to a man who has never laid a hand on me in anger! I believe that God brought Jody into my life - and into my daughter's life - and I have learned that I am worthy of a man who can love me in the way God intended a wife to be loved! My Dad loved my Mom and never abused her. I did not live in a household where I would have learned that spousal abuse was okay. I never saw my Mom and Dad fight! I don't know why I married abusers - and guess I never will know why.

I had pushed all those memories far away from my conscious mind - or so I thought! Those years of my life seemed like another lifetime! Even the life of someone else - not my own! I guess it's never as far away as I wanted to believe! There have been some events within the past week that have brought it all back - as though it had never ended!

I need the faith and the strength of David against my "Goliath of memories"! I have again experienced the terror I felt so many years ago - but for a family member! We have had to have law enforcement involved and have lived several days now, looking over our shoulders; keeping post at the windows; locking all the doors and "hiding". Each time we think we've reached a calmness, it rises up again!

I'm trying, desperately, to give it to God! I'm trying to be calm, not be fearful, go through each day as I normally would - but I'm having trouble letting go! I know that nothing on this earth is under my control, but knowing that and "living" it are sometimes difficult for me! I pray that God will strengthen me and give me the peace that can come only from laying it all at his feet and letting go!

I love my family and know that I can count on them for help in any circumstance. I have called upon them now to help and most of them are very supportive and willing to do anything we need help with to get through all of this! I can't imagine my life without my family - but more importantly, I can't imagine my life without Almighty God!

Please pray for my daughter and her family - for their safety and for guidance in making decisions that have to be made at this time. Please pray for my son-in-law that he seeks and finds the help he needs to be healthy and whole for himself, for his wife and for his children!

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds.

--Philippians 4:6-7

I am including a link - http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/WarZoneChaptIIIB.html

- with this post because I believe it truly depicts the life of a battered woman. Many people have misconceptions about the reasons abuse occurs in a marriage and why a woman "stays" in the marriage.

1 Samuel 17

David and Goliath
1 Now the Philistines gathered their forces for war and assembled at Socoh in Judah. They pitched camp at Ephes Dammim, between Socoh and Azekah.

2 Saul and the Israelites assembled and camped in the Valley of Elah and drew up their battle line to meet the Philistines.

3 The Philistines occupied one hill and the Israelites another, with the valley between them.

4 A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. He was over nine feet [a] tall.

5 He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels [b] ;

6 on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back.

7 His spear shaft was like a weaver's rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. [c] His shield bearer went ahead of him.

8 Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, "Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me.

9 If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us."

10 Then the Philistine said, "This day I defy the ranks of Israel! Give me a man and let us fight each other."

11 On hearing the Philistine's words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.

16 For forty days the Philistine came forward every morning and evening and took his stand. 17 Now Jesse said to his son David, "Take this ephah [d] of roasted grain and these ten loaves of bread for your brothers and hurry to their camp.

18 Take along these ten cheeses to the commander of their unit. [e] See how your brothers are and bring back some assurance [f] from them.

19 They are with Saul and all the men of Israel in the Valley of Elah, fighting against the Philistines."

20 Early in the morning David left the flock with a shepherd, loaded up and set out, as Jesse had directed. He reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry.

22 David left his things with the keeper of supplies, ran to the battle lines and greeted his brothers.

23 As he was talking with them, Goliath, the Philistine champion from Gath, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and David heard it.

24 When the Israelites saw the man, they all ran from him in great fear.

33 Saul replied, "You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a boy, and he has been a fighting man from his youth."

34 But David said to Saul, "Your servant has been keeping his father's sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock,

35 I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it.

36 Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God.

37 The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine." Saul said to David, "Go, and the LORD be with you."

40 Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd's bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.

41 Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David.

42 He looked David over and saw that he was only a boy, ruddy and handsome, and he despised him.

43 He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

44 "Come here," he said, "and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!"

45 David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.

46 This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.

47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

48 As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.

49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.

50 So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.

51 David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine's sword and drew it from the scabbard. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.