Today has been a day with extremes from one to the other. Mom got up this morning and as I brought her into the living room, she saw China. She asked me if China had any reaction to that medicine that she had given her.
I should have known just to say no, and forget it, but instead, I asked what medicine? That began the whole saga of Mother’s trip to South America and how China was unable to go with her because of the nodules she had on her back. Mother said that was the only reason China was here at my house because she had to have a place to leave her until she returned to the states!
She kept up her story about her trip to South America until around noon when she had lunch and then I put her back to bed for a nap. When I took her to the bathroom before putting her to bed, I was taking off her sweater and she said she didn’t need the sweater anyway, because ever since her trip to South America, she stays pretty warm most of the time now.
She only slept about two hours, which is unusual. She normally, in the afternoon, sleeps from four to six hours at a time. I think she was awakened by Jody and his brother Mike, as they were trying to free Jody’s truck from the mud.
Jody got up this morning and went out to warm up his truck. The snow was covering the timbers we have marking the driveway and he got hung up on one of them. Then when he tried to back up the truck to get it off of the timber, he slid down the hill a little bit and couldn’t get back up because of the ice. As the ice and snow melted, of course, the spot he was in turned from ice to mud and he was definitely stuck! The more he tried to move the truck, the deeper the hole became. Anyway, I think that’s why Mother woke up so early from her nap.
I have found that if she sleeps for a while in the afternoon, he anxiety is less and she is much more calm during her waking hours. Since she didn’t get her nap out, she had an anxiety attack this afternoon that went on for about an hour and a half. She was worried about her Daddy because someone told her that he was sick. I tried to reassure her by telling her that if he were sick, we would have been told. She worried about her clothes being here in the closet because they needed to be taken to her house. She worried that she owed money to Jody and at one point as Jody came through the house; she asked him how much money she owed him.
Since he came in unaware of the situation – those of you who know Jody know how he likes to tease – he decided to play with her a little and started to give her an astronomical figure to tell her how much she owed. I stopped him because I knew if he told her any amount of money that she would, of course, believe him! Then, she cried more anyway, because I had stopped him from saying an amount and she thought I was just trying to tell him not to let her know the amount. Wow! Some days, it just doesn’t pay to get up!
Before the anxiety attack ended (and I had given her all the meds I could) she cried because she wanted me to meet her Mom and Daddy and was sorry that I never had met them. I told her that I did know her Mother very well, and that she was a wonderful person. I actually stayed with my Grandma for a period of time while I was pregnant with Elizabeth.
“Dr. Phil” and then “Oprah” had been on tv, but by this time the news was on and we were watching the weather. She kept saying things about wanting me to meet her family and crying because I hadn’t and I asked her if she knew who I was. She said, “of course I do” and when I asked her my name she said I was Oprah! I tried to tell her that I was her daughter Ann, but that doesn’t work anymore. She always wants to know who told me that I was her daughter and today she actually asked me how I thought I had done that! (become her daughter).
She not only lives in her own little world – taking many trips, both stateside and around the world (in her head, of course) – but she also is having hallucinations and paranoia is something that we deal with almost on a daily basis.
I find myself questioning why she has to go through the end of her life in such a horrible manner. I know that she’s not the first, nor will she be the last person to suffer from dementia, but it is just so difficult to see her this way.
I’ve said it before, but I miss my Mom so much! Could her death be worse? I really don’t see how it could be any worse than this life is for her. She doesn’t live in reality anymore – she’s lost in some other world that I can’t reach. I spend my days pretending, pretending about every aspect of her world. I no longer tell her that all of these family members, that she believes are just down the road, have all passed away – years ago! I don’t tell her that she didn’t really go to South America or Hawaii or any of the other places she thinks she has visited. Most days, I don’t even tell her that I’m her daughter!
None of those things matter anymore! What matters is that she is able to make it through each day with as little anxiety, with as few hallucinations, with as little paranoia as possible and as much comfort as can be provided to her.
Mother was always such a believer in God and had such strong faith and submissive spirit. God was present and evident in her daily walk! She doesn’t concentrate on those things anymore. They seem to have left the world she lives in and she doesn’t experience the thankfulness, the gratitude and doesn’t know to praise him the way that she used to before Dementia took over her life. Of course, when we pray with her, when we sing with her, when we read scripture with her – she comes back – at least for a short time.
I watch her while she sings and I see the praise on her face, I hear her voice and know that she is praising God with everything that she has inside! She sings with her eyes closed, she no longer can read for herself because of her blindness. She knows so many of the hymns – by heart and loves to sing! I can see – and feel - my Mother again when she worships instead of this disease that has taken her from me! One of the hardest things for her is that she can no longer go to worship services at the church building! Thank you, God, for Bob and Jeannie – who bring us communion each Sunday and sing and pray with us here at home. God is Mother’s stronghold and even though she doesn’t realize it anymore, I know that God is providing the comfort that she experiences now. I know that God has put into our lives Christy, Cathy and Connie – the special “angels” on earth who are her workers from Hospice and take care of her in a way that is so loving and so caring that their presence in itself is a comfort to Mother and to me! I know that with them, Mother is able to live at home again – not in a nursing home!
This has been a day! I don’t even know how to describe the kind of day it’s been, but I know that I’m tired tonight.
My prayer to my Heavenly Father is this – that Mother is able to sleep tonight and that God will continue to hold her in His hands and that she will feel His hands around her and be comforted!
Psalm 138
(1) I will give thee thanks with my whole heart:
Before the gods will I sing praises unto thee.
(2) I will worship toward thy holy temple,
And give thanks unto thy name for
thy loving kindness and for thy truth:
For thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.
(3) In the day that I called thou answeredst me,
Thou didst encourage me with strength in my soul.
I should have known just to say no, and forget it, but instead, I asked what medicine? That began the whole saga of Mother’s trip to South America and how China was unable to go with her because of the nodules she had on her back. Mother said that was the only reason China was here at my house because she had to have a place to leave her until she returned to the states!
She kept up her story about her trip to South America until around noon when she had lunch and then I put her back to bed for a nap. When I took her to the bathroom before putting her to bed, I was taking off her sweater and she said she didn’t need the sweater anyway, because ever since her trip to South America, she stays pretty warm most of the time now.
She only slept about two hours, which is unusual. She normally, in the afternoon, sleeps from four to six hours at a time. I think she was awakened by Jody and his brother Mike, as they were trying to free Jody’s truck from the mud.
Jody got up this morning and went out to warm up his truck. The snow was covering the timbers we have marking the driveway and he got hung up on one of them. Then when he tried to back up the truck to get it off of the timber, he slid down the hill a little bit and couldn’t get back up because of the ice. As the ice and snow melted, of course, the spot he was in turned from ice to mud and he was definitely stuck! The more he tried to move the truck, the deeper the hole became. Anyway, I think that’s why Mother woke up so early from her nap.
I have found that if she sleeps for a while in the afternoon, he anxiety is less and she is much more calm during her waking hours. Since she didn’t get her nap out, she had an anxiety attack this afternoon that went on for about an hour and a half. She was worried about her Daddy because someone told her that he was sick. I tried to reassure her by telling her that if he were sick, we would have been told. She worried about her clothes being here in the closet because they needed to be taken to her house. She worried that she owed money to Jody and at one point as Jody came through the house; she asked him how much money she owed him.
Since he came in unaware of the situation – those of you who know Jody know how he likes to tease – he decided to play with her a little and started to give her an astronomical figure to tell her how much she owed. I stopped him because I knew if he told her any amount of money that she would, of course, believe him! Then, she cried more anyway, because I had stopped him from saying an amount and she thought I was just trying to tell him not to let her know the amount. Wow! Some days, it just doesn’t pay to get up!
Before the anxiety attack ended (and I had given her all the meds I could) she cried because she wanted me to meet her Mom and Daddy and was sorry that I never had met them. I told her that I did know her Mother very well, and that she was a wonderful person. I actually stayed with my Grandma for a period of time while I was pregnant with Elizabeth.
“Dr. Phil” and then “Oprah” had been on tv, but by this time the news was on and we were watching the weather. She kept saying things about wanting me to meet her family and crying because I hadn’t and I asked her if she knew who I was. She said, “of course I do” and when I asked her my name she said I was Oprah! I tried to tell her that I was her daughter Ann, but that doesn’t work anymore. She always wants to know who told me that I was her daughter and today she actually asked me how I thought I had done that! (become her daughter).
She not only lives in her own little world – taking many trips, both stateside and around the world (in her head, of course) – but she also is having hallucinations and paranoia is something that we deal with almost on a daily basis.
I find myself questioning why she has to go through the end of her life in such a horrible manner. I know that she’s not the first, nor will she be the last person to suffer from dementia, but it is just so difficult to see her this way.
I’ve said it before, but I miss my Mom so much! Could her death be worse? I really don’t see how it could be any worse than this life is for her. She doesn’t live in reality anymore – she’s lost in some other world that I can’t reach. I spend my days pretending, pretending about every aspect of her world. I no longer tell her that all of these family members, that she believes are just down the road, have all passed away – years ago! I don’t tell her that she didn’t really go to South America or Hawaii or any of the other places she thinks she has visited. Most days, I don’t even tell her that I’m her daughter!
None of those things matter anymore! What matters is that she is able to make it through each day with as little anxiety, with as few hallucinations, with as little paranoia as possible and as much comfort as can be provided to her.
Mother was always such a believer in God and had such strong faith and submissive spirit. God was present and evident in her daily walk! She doesn’t concentrate on those things anymore. They seem to have left the world she lives in and she doesn’t experience the thankfulness, the gratitude and doesn’t know to praise him the way that she used to before Dementia took over her life. Of course, when we pray with her, when we sing with her, when we read scripture with her – she comes back – at least for a short time.
I watch her while she sings and I see the praise on her face, I hear her voice and know that she is praising God with everything that she has inside! She sings with her eyes closed, she no longer can read for herself because of her blindness. She knows so many of the hymns – by heart and loves to sing! I can see – and feel - my Mother again when she worships instead of this disease that has taken her from me! One of the hardest things for her is that she can no longer go to worship services at the church building! Thank you, God, for Bob and Jeannie – who bring us communion each Sunday and sing and pray with us here at home. God is Mother’s stronghold and even though she doesn’t realize it anymore, I know that God is providing the comfort that she experiences now. I know that God has put into our lives Christy, Cathy and Connie – the special “angels” on earth who are her workers from Hospice and take care of her in a way that is so loving and so caring that their presence in itself is a comfort to Mother and to me! I know that with them, Mother is able to live at home again – not in a nursing home!
This has been a day! I don’t even know how to describe the kind of day it’s been, but I know that I’m tired tonight.
My prayer to my Heavenly Father is this – that Mother is able to sleep tonight and that God will continue to hold her in His hands and that she will feel His hands around her and be comforted!
Psalm 138
(1) I will give thee thanks with my whole heart:
Before the gods will I sing praises unto thee.
(2) I will worship toward thy holy temple,
And give thanks unto thy name for
thy loving kindness and for thy truth:
For thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.
(3) In the day that I called thou answeredst me,
Thou didst encourage me with strength in my soul.
Oh Ann, I can only imagine and I am so sorry. I do know what it is like to have a person around in body and not the person you know in mind. So hard, so undescribably painful deep inside. I continue to pray for you and for your mother.
ReplyDelete