Just another day

Today's my birthday and it just seems like another day in another week in another year. I've had so many "endings" and am facing another one now. I left my husband in March this year . . . for many reasons. I also have to say that he is a good man with a huge heart! We met, in October of 1988. He had been married before and had two beautiful little girls, ages 8 and 5. I had been married before and had one beautiful daughter, age 7.

We both were Christians, attended the same church and I had known his family (well, at least, I thought I knew his family!) for several years. I knew that he would be a good husband and a good father to my daughter. I also knew that he had custody of his daughters and that we would all become a "blended" family together.

The wedding was exactly as it should have been on February 14, 1989. We included our girls in the ceremony and they were the only ones to stand up with us as we took our vows. We wanted them to be a part of the "marriage" so they would understand what it meant to love each other and vow to spend the rest of our lives - all five of us - as one family!

Never did I imagine how difficult it would be to "blend" our families! We went into counseling immediately to help the girls with the adjustment. Maybe it helped, but it didn't cure all! For the first four years, it was very difficult. His oldest daughter didn't accept me, even though the younger daughter and I instantly had a closeness. My daughter didn't accept him or my new "instant" daughters.

His ex-wife was still a part of the girl's lives and I never wanted them to think that I was trying to replace her - but, I wanted them to know that I cared about them, too. When our oldest was 13, she decided to move from our home to her mother's and that was really tough! There were many tears shed when she left, but we knew that was her decision and only wanted her happiness.

His family never accepted me as a mother to his children. That proved to be another huge contributing factor to the death of our marriage. I felt like I would never be good enough in their eyes and felt like they were against every decision we made for his girls and we were not supported at all by them. When our oldest moved to her mother's, his family would bring her up here, without a word to us, and not allow her to visit our home while she was here. Another blow because I knew then that they still supported the girl's mother more than they did me as his wife.

When I left earlier this year, our marriage had reached the lowest depths I could imagine and really didn't know what to do anymore. We no longer talked to each other. We had not, in all the years of our marriage, been able to resolve issues that plaqued us. The communication was never there and resentment had taken it's place.

We also, for whatever reason, never gave our marriage to God - big mistake! Without God at the head, how can anything grow and become great? I always loved my husband, but because of baggage I carried into the marriage from my past relationships, I was never able to give myself as I wanted to. In that way, I hurt him terribly and live with that knowledge every day. When I left, I told him things that I wished I could have taken back, but words spoken can never be erased!

I've learned a lot in this year and believe that God has used this "season" of my life to teach me - to show me what brought me to this point. I have been in therapy most of this year which has helped me identify the things in my life that caused me to build up walls that no one could ever get through. In learning what caused the issues, I have also learned that through God, I can lay down the hurts, the pain and the "baggage" that haunts me. My counselor and my psychiatrist were also Christians, which was what I wanted. I know God and trust that He will guide me, but for whatever reason, I had been unable to let go of the trauma I've had in my past and give it to my Heavenly Father!

I am well on my way in my recovery and am, most of the time, content with my life. Am I lonely? Sure. Do I miss what was my family? Of course. Do I wish that I had never left? No. I wish that we could have worked together to make things better, but the way things were, neither of us was happy.

Not only did I have the pleasure of gaining two more daughters when we married, but we also had a son together. He is now almost 19 years old. My husband gave me some of the greatest blessings I've had in my life and for that I am grateful.

Even though my marriage is officially ending, I have to look forward and listen for God to lead me to my new beginnings. Thank God for His faithfulness, mercy, grace and forgiveness.

In His Love and Blessings
annb