Comfort Eludes Me

"O LORD, God of Israel,

there is no God like you in heaven or on earth

—you who keep your covenant of love with your servants

who continue wholeheartedly in your way."

II Chronicles 6:14

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles."

II Corinthians 1:3,4

Comfort and peace seem to be difficult for me to accept lately. I’m not sure why, but the last couple of months have been especially hard to me. I am missing my Mom so much and am not sure why it’s hitting so hard now.

I know that I lost her months before she passed because of the dementia and knew that her passing was what she had prayed for and desired for some time. She was so tired and felt like she had nothing more to give in this life. It was difficult for her to get around and her eyesight was almost completely gone. Her love for reading and painting was taken from her with the loss of her sight and that was devastating to her.

In my mind I know that she is in a better place and that she is whole again. I know that her passing from this life to begin her life eternal was what she lived her entire life to achieve. I know these things, but I still miss her.

When she passed away I was kept busy planning and taking care of things – making sure that her wishes on the funeral were carried out exactly as she had planned. My focus was still on her and it kept me from thinking. It was such a “safe” place for me to be at the time.

I can’t seem to make it through a day anymore without thinking about her and feeling the emptiness she left behind. I can’t seem to find my purpose since losing her. She had been my focus for so long and I seem to be drifting with nothing to hold onto. I didn’t know it was going to be so hard for me.

I’m trying to raise myself up from the place I’m in now, but for every step forward I feel like I’m pulled backward two. Work is good for me – keeps me busy without any downtime. When I’m at home it’s much more difficult.

I remember my brother asking me if it was going to bother me that Mother died here at home. At the time I assured him it wouldn’t be a problem at all. I was so thankful to have her here and to be with her during those last few months. I wanted her to be here when she passed just as she wanted to be here. I really thought it would be okay. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I would feel this same way even if she had been somewhere else. Maybe it would have been worse without allowing her to die at home.

I miss her. I want the emptiness to go away. I want the tears to stop. I want to rejoice for her – celebrate her new life – feel joy that she is at last “home”. I pray for a time when I will be able to genuinely feel that joy. I pray for comfort and that my heart will be open to accept it.

"The Lord gives strength to his people;

the Lord blesses his people with peace."

Psalm 29:11